30 or 13 year old?

I feel like I am in my teens.

I feel crazy when I listen to these two songs. I feel I am falling in love...like its a first time, with whom I don't know.

Probably its my first time. What I was forbidden to feel in my teens I feel now. The senses which were snubbed down then are resurfacing now. After all I have satisfied all their whims and fancies my whims and fancies are showing.....

Irony: Before I could now how it feels to be in love, I am tied down in a relationship. I guess that was the whole idea.....

Nevertheless, I feel good. 

Thwarted ambitions

There are some ambitions that were thwarted very early in my life. So early that I did not even realize they were being thrown out of my life forever with each decision that was being taken on my behalf because I was too dumb to make my own. Or probably I was, as someone once remarked, a "owned" kid.

My very first career ambition, apparently, was to become a teacher. I wanted to major in one of the oldest classical languages I loved to read. I was far ahead in understanding, reading and writing that language that my teachers often complimented me, which was not very often. I had a flair for the language. At that age, I was not one of the most talented kids in the world. Obviously, that was a bad choice. Because other kids around wanted to become doctors and engineers. I often heard how stupid I was because I expressed this desire. I heard people often wonder aloud what would happen to me and my life had there been no one to take care of my business and make decisions for me. If that was the case, man, I would be so happy. But then it was not to be.

Unfortunately this disappointment dug deep burrows into my confidence, I stopped thinking of my career. I realized by then I would anyway become something that they wanted me to. I started blindly running the rat race. And so here I am, an engineer, making big bucks, in a prestigious company with a fancy title and even fancier degrees hanging in front of my name. All that is missing is just an ounce of happiness, an ounce of excitement of doing something my way, the happiness of reading and travelling back hundreds of years of age to understand what people did and how they lived. Thats all...not much I guess.

Azeem O Shane

Yesterday I watched Jodha Akbar.

I have fallen in love with the "Akbar" :)

How I wish I was that Akbar?

Hiatus

I have run out of ideas for my blog.

I don't feel I need to write about anything...everything seems so boring and ordinary.

My Dreams....

I dream.

Not always a fruitful one or the one which is expected to change my life. I just dream the good old dream. It has the same theme always, but the people in my dreams change and I change.

Once I am a demur person, a very homely kind with a heart full of love. Another time, I dream myself to be a career oriented, GenX person, for whom career and love goes hand in hand. Another time, I am just a brainy student with big dreams for my future.

I am unable to figure out what triggers me into these spasmodic "dreaming". But it gives me great joy, some amount of respite from the day to day madness.

I dream of all the things that I was either denied or I lost because I was too dumb to realize back then how important it could have been.

Sometimes, I think, how things would have been drastically different today, had I said those words then, to that person, that day. There are plenty of such words, such people, such days, that I have seen fly away, when I stand helpless and dumb seeing it go away. I have seen many of my dreams realized by others, some very close to me.

I dream when cooking, when travelling or when just standing in the bus stop waiting for the bus. I dream of past always and I realize, I alone could have made my past much better, happier in more than one ways and had I done that I would have been there where I dream of being today. That dream would have been a reality.

But then, probably, I would have dreamt of what I am today and wish I had taken the other road, the road I am traversing today.

That's life I guess......and it moves on...dream or no dream......

First Post...

I blog elsewhere too...this is not my first blog, my third in fact.

I abandoned the first one, because I had started off with a "kiss-ass" kind of post.

Second one, I still keep, though there are no visitors, to post things that are not scandalous.

Third one, to speak my mind....not bothering about who reads it or who does not. I intend to post things with abandon, all that goes on in my heart, in my brain, here. Sort of a respite from my continuous, background hum of conversation with myself.

I am a very emotional person with my heart in a place where my brain should have been. I feel sad listening to sad songs, I feel happy seeing a small baby, I fall in love when I see a person who fits my description of "the person", I can hate someone just because they blew their nose in front of me.

So here goes my thoughts, my conversations with myself, the dreams I dream always.....